Gun In The Drawer

I open my drawer, take out a gun
Think about shooting myself in the head, wouldn’t it be fun?
They say it’s an act of cowardice
But it’s a choice about how one dies
It’s an option, not for everyone I believe
Some people have no other option, they just want to leave
In my own home, I act like I am a thief
For some reason, I feel someone’s watching me
Guilty for pondering the thought of coming to an end
But what can I do? I am reaching a dead-end
I search for someone who can be a true friend
Who would actually care and not just pretend

With a grin on my face, I go to bed
“Let’s put this off til tomorrow”, I said
I’ll wake up in the morning, start a new day
I’ll get to open my eyes and see the sun rays
Sunshine will blossom and send a positive vibe
Only to let the night kick in later, finishing all the hype
It will get dark, I’ll see myself in a different light
With this thought I see myself in another world yet again
I am dreaming and this world feels like a better place

Eyes open, day is new, same old reality
After finishing work I am back in a room that is empty
I sit on a chair, put on some music
Listening to it everyday makes it no longer therapeutic
I don’t want to listen to it, rather have it muted
I get up, a tortured soul crying for help, I hate myself

Open the drawer, take out a gun
I no longer have the will to see the sun
Moon looks mesmerizing with its glimmering glow
The world is a quiet place, everything seems to be moving so slow
I put the gun on my forehead this time
This is probably going to be my last night

Rush flows through my veins
Eyes are watery, tears roll down like a rain
As I am about to pull the trigger
I stop to think and look at my fingers
They are trembling with fear
Just one move, and the end will be near
I think deeply and the thought lingers
I do realize I was failing to see the bigger picture

So I put the gun back where it belongs
What I was about to do was wrong
I am defeated, I beg for some mercy
My head spins and my vision goes blurry
I wake up to the birds singing outside
Kids playing in the park, riding on a slide
If I ever want a company, the true friend will stay with me
It will be there through thick and thin
Only the gun in my drawer can grant me my wish

More than she needs me

Maybe I need her more than she needs me

Is it a coincidence or all this is meant to be?

I always wonder shall we talk ever again?

I expect her to come and heal my pain.

 

Late night talks we will cherish one day

If only I keep her in my life and not push her away

I crave her attention yet I don’t want her to stay

I put the words in her mouth that she doesn’t say.

 

I make mistakes and so does she

Feels as if she is cruel yet so lovely

I leave it on the destiny

It will happen if it’s meant to be.

 

I ponder over my life every day and night

I have goals that are always in my mind

She is the last thing I worry about

I won’t allow her to come, if she does I won’t let her out.

 

I regret I message her every day after I wake up

I promise to not do it again as I pour tea in my cup.

As the evening rolls in I can’t help myself

When emotions take over how does one help oneself?

 

Guess I’ll make this mistake again

Just rub more salt on my wounds to feel the pain.

Maybe I need her more than I imagined

Maybe she isn’t only a friend, she has become my passion.

 

I am obsessed with her

She is like a drug that makes reality looks blur.

Ecstasy takes over and I lose control

This night I can’t stop, I don’t want to be alone.

Daily Dilemma

Try to see things from their eyes and you will realize that they suffer and there are no lies

They act as if everything’s fine when they cry all night

Put a smile on their face and live their life.

 

Why no one is there when you need someone?

What’s up with their story that they don’t care?

Well, you can only control what you do

Remaining things are not up to you.

 

That girl said we’d be together

Whether it is warm or cold weather

Just when you feel as if they’re your soul mate

They prove otherwise and you ponder over your fate.

 

Is it the world we live in then?

Where you have to buy your every friend

This is the place where no one cares

Where everyone is greedy and nothing is shared.

 

Your friends will tell you they’re with you forever

Next second they vanish and see you never

Blame game starts and you fight with them

Chaos happens and cause mayhem

 

You go home and try to sleep

Your head hurts as the demons in your head are too deep

Fear settles as your heart races

Your hands are trembling and your body is shaking.

 

We just try to pass each day

In this mundane life where no one wants to play

Life has itself become a big game

I have only one life and I have to change.

 

So next day I try once more

Only to find myself in the same spot I was before

I may go insane and lose control

If that happens promise me you’ll let me go.

The kid

I look back and see a kid

Disturbed with himself with the way he lived

Tried things, vowed he’ll never quit

Gathered the broken pieces and started to rebuild

 

After few years he looks in the mirror

One day, he sees a beard

Astonished! He thinks about the time he most feared

He’s growing up and the kid has disappeared.

 

Expectations get bigger each day

It’s time to turn the dreams into reality someday

He has to be careful with what he does today

As it will become history one day.

 

He still feels like he’s a kid

Same old innocence and same old grin.

Though he realizes he is older

He knows he cannot carry the heavy weight on his shoulder.

 

He is young and there’s lot to learn

Wisdom is not given, it is earned.

What will future bring?

He sighs as he thinks.

 

 

Stop pretending

Stop pretending everything’s fine.

Others don’t give a damn neither a dime.

Life struggles are reality, not a sin or a crime.

It’s hard to keep it in,

When everything falls apart and nothing’s fine.

 

I see others having fun and enjoying.

I just wish all those good things and happiness were mine.

But I am left here, sitting in a small dark room crying.

 

Wipe the tears flowing from your eyes.

Happy endings are not true, those are lies.

Somebody save me, these inner demons will finish me and lead to my demise.

Even if it happens, I won’t be surprised.

I am used to it now, I won’t go down but I’ll rise.

The only option is to climb upwards.

There is nothing at the end if I go downwards.

 

Shoot for the moon and hit the stars,

Just to see how much can I travel.

Will I end up here or go too far?

 

It’s not about reaching the stars,

It’s all about healing those scars.

I suffered from reckless pain back then,

So I will not give up until I breathe or unless I am dead.

 

Stop pretending things were fine always.

There is nothing to be afraid of and you have already found solace.

You have a family and loads of friends,

nothing to lose and nothing to gain.

 

Things don’t work like that though,

Reality is real, even if you want it to be unreal, it sometimes seems surreal.

On the surface, nothing is dirty, everything is clear.

 

Hoping things will get better soon,

‘Cause I feel relaxed and content,

only once in a blue moon.

 

Trying to think outside the box.

Trying to be as clever as a fox.

Trying to climb up on the longest wall.

Trying to defy all the odds.

 

Hope is there as it has always been.

I wish to see those things which I have never seen.

Be as noble as I can get, as noble as no one has ever been.

 

Don’t have a debt under your belt.

It’s hard to repay and impossible to forget.

Lagging behind you is not an option.

Nagging you constantly is only the solution.

 

I imagine doing things that no one does.

Imagine thinking those things to whom all that never occurs.

Imagine saying things aloud but only find myself whisper.

This life is a struggle, man! It’s a roller coaster.

 

Don’t waste it on blame games.

No use calling each other lame names.

Focus on your main aim

Haters will have nothing to say but display shame.

That’s when you know you’re a winner.

You’re a real life hero and not a hero in fiction.