Gun In The Drawer

I open my drawer, take out a gun
Think about shooting myself in the head, wouldn’t it be fun?
They say it’s an act of cowardice
But it’s a choice about how one dies
It’s an option, not for everyone I believe
Some people have no other option, they just want to leave
In my own home, I act like I am a thief
For some reason, I feel someone’s watching me
Guilty for pondering the thought of coming to an end
But what can I do? I am reaching a dead-end
I search for someone who can be a true friend
Who would actually care and not just pretend

With a grin on my face, I go to bed
“Let’s put this off til tomorrow”, I said
I’ll wake up in the morning, start a new day
I’ll get to open my eyes and see the sun rays
Sunshine will blossom and send a positive vibe
Only to let the night kick in later, finishing all the hype
It will get dark, I’ll see myself in a different light
With this thought I see myself in another world yet again
I am dreaming and this world feels like a better place

Eyes open, day is new, same old reality
After finishing work I am back in a room that is empty
I sit on a chair, put on some music
Listening to it everyday makes it no longer therapeutic
I don’t want to listen to it, rather have it muted
I get up, a tortured soul crying for help, I hate myself

Open the drawer, take out a gun
I no longer have the will to see the sun
Moon looks mesmerizing with its glimmering glow
The world is a quiet place, everything seems to be moving so slow
I put the gun on my forehead this time
This is probably going to be my last night

Rush flows through my veins
Eyes are watery, tears roll down like a rain
As I am about to pull the trigger
I stop to think and look at my fingers
They are trembling with fear
Just one move, and the end will be near
I think deeply and the thought lingers
I do realize I was failing to see the bigger picture

So I put the gun back where it belongs
What I was about to do was wrong
I am defeated, I beg for some mercy
My head spins and my vision goes blurry
I wake up to the birds singing outside
Kids playing in the park, riding on a slide
If I ever want a company, the true friend will stay with me
It will be there through thick and thin
Only the gun in my drawer can grant me my wish

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Terrible face


I made a mistake, I accept 

But all this time it seemed like a foreign concept

Never realised I had a terrible face

I don’t believe a single word that anyone says

Loathe myself, just killing time and spending days

I need to make a change but I will never be the same

I should held up my head high but I am so ashamed

I want to be alone but I also want fame

Some days I get so distracted that I even forget my own name

All I know is I’ll never be the same 

‘Cause I have a terrible face
I look so terrible 

Scared to look in the mirror

The dark circles, the acnes, dry skin

Oh my God! I have started to get a double chin

Maybe I committed a mistake or even worse a sin

That’s why I look horrible even with a grin

It’s a lost battle, man! I can’t win

I am just glad I at least don’t have a twin

Because I look like trash, I am dustbin

There are demons inside of me that lies within
They look at my terrible face and laugh

I could ramble on and on and write lengthy paragraphs

I look so terrible, man! I won’t even look at my own photograph

People make fun of me and never miss a chance 

Girls look away when I ask them to dance

Look so terrible that they won’t even take a glance

That’s why I am so scared to make any advance

I’ll never get an opportunity to experience romance

Man, I do have a terrible face

I wish it was drawn with a pencil so I could use an eraser to erase

So I wouldn’t write this in the first place.

Lie to my face

You look me in the eyes
With a straight face
Without a shame
You will leave me one day without a trace.

Lie to me all the time
‘Cause of you I am losing my mind
You drive me insane
You’ve become the reason of all my pain.

Just say the truth once
Be blunt, be upfront
I’m your second choice
Just someone to kill the time.

Don’t play games with me
I am already hurt
Why do you have to play with my feelings?
I need time to recover, I need time to search for my life’s meaning.

You only care about yourself
That’s why you keep lying
When I call you out you start crying
Stop driving me crazy
Stop calling me daily
You are a liar
Stop feeding the fuel in fire.

You keep on lying
I keep on trusting
This is how I get repaid
If you were honest to me I would’ve stayed
But now I am going to go away
I won’t trust you again, I am afraid.

Reluctant to change

I refuse to learn, I refuse to admit my mistakes
Bad things happen to everyone but there’s only so much pain you can take
My suffering is real, I am disturbed, it’s not fake
I am reluctant to change.

Maybe I have become the kind of person who is willing to simply accept his fate
But there’s a heavy weight on my chest that I can’t shake.

I want to change but I don’t put in the effort
Do I have a problem or am I just a lazy fuck up?
Swearing is not my cup of tea
Pardon me, I can’t think clearly.

All I know now is I am reluctant to change
Inside of me, I can feel a build up of rage
I am not sure what I’ll do at any stage
I don’t trust myself in the first place
So I know I won’t be breaking it anyway.
Even if I fall flat on my face
I will still be reluctant to change.

Possessed by a ghost
My mind is out of control
Not completely but almost
Breathe in and breathe out
Calm down and don’t shout
They try to reassure me but I still have a pool of doubts
I lay awake drowning in my own misery until I pass out.

I woke up in the evening
Having the same old feelings
Vividly remember my dreams
I can still hear all those screams
Which were piercing my ears as they were so loud
It was like hundreds of people gathered in a crowd.

Then I go and take a walk in the park
It doesn’t matter that it’s getting so dark
Dark resides in me
I’m no longer afraid of it
It’s a part of me and I embrace it
I walk towards a bench and I sit
This is comfortable and not strange
Guess this is why I am still so reluctant to change.

Bittersweet melancholy

Bittersweet melancholy comforts me

Like a blanket has been pulled over me

I lie down on bed in the hope of sleep
I toss and turn, breath in and out while I count to three.

I reminisce the past memories
Whether good or bad they may be
I visit back in time to make peace
And remember when I used to read under a tree.

Nostalgia is my old friend
A reminder of the long forgotten trends
When reading fiction was all I needed.

My imagination kept me alive
Gave me the hope to one day do a skydive
Thinking about it brought so much thrill
I still remember it and still get the chills.

As I wish what could have been turned out differently
I realise I have to just let it be
Wishful thinking and reality are not alike
My heart is broken and yet I say I’m fine.

Bittersweet melancholy takes over
Like a thirsty man needing water
It’s a part of me from which I can’t snap out
So I just stay silent and suppress my shout.

I’d change myself if I wanted to
But sometimes I wonder if that’s what I want to do
I keep moving and go with the flow
In the hopes one day I’ll shine and brightly glow.

Bittersweet melancholy comforts me
It is a known and familiar feel
I’ll give joy another shot in next life
Either I’ll have to recover or reborn.

So many questions

So many questions no answers

The weight of the troubles doesn’t transfer

Whenever I try make it right I make blunders
The ache in my heart strike me like a thunder

Waking up, I feel exhausted
I face these demons, they are traumatic
So scary that I am repeatedly haunted
There’s nothing like feeling unwanted

It’s my destiny that I hate
Can’t complain, they say it’s my fate
My head spins when I walk on the road
Legs tremble so I crawl on the floor

Shoulders are heavy now
I try to get up but I only go down
I see the sun and hope to see sunshine
I am in hell yet I say I am just fine

So many questions but no answers
I want to see a bouquet but I see dead flowers
I want to break free and scream out on top of a tower

This is not a game
Success doesn’t mean fame
My identity is my name
Why should I be afraid to be me? Why should there be any shame?

So many questions but no answers
I’ll ask them hundred times but to no avail
I’d want to succeed and not fail
Even if it means walking on hot flames

So many questions but no answers
Joy has vanished there’s only anger
I am an amateur but I want to be a master
That’s why I take shortcuts and like to cut to the chase faster

Now I know this is not the right way 
I’ll have to work night and day
There are questions and there will be answers
If only I rebuild after suffering this disaster

Need to be patient to remain sane
Take it as a boon and not a bane
It’s my story and I am the main character
Can’t back down, I’ve to fight like a wrestler.

I hide in my shell 
Because outside has become hell
People around me do wish me well
Life becomes harder when you have no friend.

Choice

“Every day is a new opportunity and every day we face plenty of choices without realizing their long term consequences.”

Ever think about it? I do. Although I am by no means brilliant or successful. I don’t have an IQ as high as Albert Einstein, I am clearly not great in sports (although I run fast and used to jump 5m in long jump, a sort of humble brag) and I still have a lot to learn.

I have made mistakes in the past and I have no hesitation to admit I’ll continue to do so. That is the epitome of being human, isn’t it?

So, the choice. Why does choice matter? It matters because it has consequences. Each and every choice you make everyday will have an effect on your life whether major or minor.

Wake up early or sleep a bit more? Play video games or study? Drink coffee or orange juice? Read a book or watch a TV series?

These might seem small and guess what? They’re actually small things. These small things make a big difference though. Every single drop of water is necessary to make up an ocean. Similarly, every choice has an impact on your life.

Once this realization hit you, your point of view shifts and you see things in a new light. Let me address why our choices so vital. People often say they don’t have the motivation to study. They don’t have the motivation to do this, to do that etc. But here is the secret. It’s not about motivation. Motivation comes and goes. For success, one needs to be disciplined.

How do you discipline yourself? By making small adjustments, small things, and small habits etc. This is why I earlier said small things make a big difference. It is not about that surge of renewed energy we call motivation that makes you successful in the long run. It’s the discipline.

Make small changes. Build small but effective hobbies. See the change in your lifestyle when you make small changes and slowly shift your point of view. The miracles of small but effective habits will assist you in the long run.

Remember, you make plenty of choices every day and every choice has consequences. It’s up to you to decide for yourself and analyze the situation properly. Only then you will be able to reflect on your life more carefully.

Grand scheme

“I don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”

This realization will be termed depressing or nihilistic or cynical. However, this is the reality. As they say, life is neither fair nor unfair. It’s indifferent. Universe is indifferent. It’ll continue to move forward with or without you. Time doesn’t wait or stop for anyone.

Here I am reflecting on my short life I have lived so far. So much has already happened. Things have gone bad more than good yet here I am thinking about my future, writing this up and pondering over the reason of my existence.

I remain quiet. I talk less and listen more. The reason is not many people want to listen. Everyone wants to speak. So, I observe and try to listen more to understand the other person.

The grand scheme and the big picture, that’s what I   think about now. I go out every day and see thousands of people. There are literally billions of people in this world. I can’t help but think “I don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”

I am just one person. Out of all the billion people, I am one, with my own dreams, desires and goals. This realization is so liberating but at the same time leaves me with void. It’s the void of meaninglessness.

My time will come

I think about writing but my mind stops me
The kid who once had vivid imagination is now a wannabe
The troubles and tragedies of life have shattered me completely
I still put on a smile and act carefree,

In my mind I know how deeply I am affected
I could’ve battled alone or so I believed
I am breaking down though and my aspirations keeps vanishing
My time will come, that’s what everyone tells me.

Got to express myself clearly
But the words can’t be found and my thoughts are blurry
I run in the evening to distract myself
To channel the aggression that is building inside me

How long will I ignore my demons, I don’t know.
But I promise you, I won’t let them show.
I feel as if I wish that cannot happen in reality, no?
During a hot summer day I want to see snow.

You tell me to calm down and relax
No matter how much I try, I keep holding my breath.
It’s something that is out of my control
All I can do is have patience and reach my goals.

Rain

I smell rain and I smell freedom
Animals love rain so do people
Nostalgia kicks in as I inhale
I remember good old days when I exhale

Magical weather and lovely season
I want to celebrate life for this reason
Rain gives me positive vibes
The smell of it keeps me alive