Immature Kid

A couple years back, an old man said that I was mature beyond my age
But if you ask a random teen girl, she would call me an idiot with an exhausted face
Doesn’t matter if I tried to stay fit, run a mile everyday, and beat everyone in a sprint race
Now I look like a guy whose hair are about to turn grey
Well, that’s what they say.
So guess, I’m an immature kid
Who doesn’t have control over his impulse
Someone who’ll shoot himself in the foot and eventually self destruct
That’s wrong on so many levels
You don’t know me that well if you think I am going to put myself in trouble
Got enough intelligence to leave before a situation gets too bad
Like a family gets abandoned by a deadbeat dad

An immature kid who talks maturely
Not even difficult to find, it is a rarity
Calling a saint a sinner is blasphemy
If I act rude to someone, that’s on me
I’ll accept my mistake and issue an apology
In this land, everyone does shady deeds
Some give a helping hand to someone who’s in need
I’ll give my both hands to grab you up when you’re down
But if you turn against me, I’ll throw you in water and won’t let you out till you drown

So, still one would think I’m an immature kid
Despite me being twenty one and having many more years to live
Just think about the capacity I have at the moment
After ten years, I probably will be even more solemn
And what if I find solace in being soul less?
Least, it makes me more self aware
Drives me through each day without giving a care
Helps in covering my emotions with thick layers
That’s why I don’t feel the need to have everyday prayers
Have had some rough moments, had my fair share
So if you still think it’s a lack of maturity
Then I can’t keep giving you security
I’ll let you dig deeper in your own insecurity

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Gun In The Drawer

I open my drawer, take out a gun
Think about shooting myself in the head, wouldn’t it be fun?
They say it’s an act of cowardice
But it’s a choice about how one dies
It’s an option, not for everyone I believe
Some people have no other option, they just want to leave
In my own home, I act like I am a thief
For some reason, I feel someone’s watching me
Guilty for pondering the thought of coming to an end
But what can I do? I am reaching a dead-end
I search for someone who can be a true friend
Who would actually care and not just pretend

With a grin on my face, I go to bed
“Let’s put this off til tomorrow”, I said
I’ll wake up in the morning, start a new day
I’ll get to open my eyes and see the sun rays
Sunshine will blossom and send a positive vibe
Only to let the night kick in later, finishing all the hype
It will get dark, I’ll see myself in a different light
With this thought I see myself in another world yet again
I am dreaming and this world feels like a better place

Eyes open, day is new, same old reality
After finishing work I am back in a room that is empty
I sit on a chair, put on some music
Listening to it everyday makes it no longer therapeutic
I don’t want to listen to it, rather have it muted
I get up, a tortured soul crying for help, I hate myself

Open the drawer, take out a gun
I no longer have the will to see the sun
Moon looks mesmerizing with its glimmering glow
The world is a quiet place, everything seems to be moving so slow
I put the gun on my forehead this time
This is probably going to be my last night

Rush flows through my veins
Eyes are watery, tears roll down like a rain
As I am about to pull the trigger
I stop to think and look at my fingers
They are trembling with fear
Just one move, and the end will be near
I think deeply and the thought lingers
I do realize I was failing to see the bigger picture

So I put the gun back where it belongs
What I was about to do was wrong
I am defeated, I beg for some mercy
My head spins and my vision goes blurry
I wake up to the birds singing outside
Kids playing in the park, riding on a slide
If I ever want a company, the true friend will stay with me
It will be there through thick and thin
Only the gun in my drawer can grant me my wish

Amazing Afterlife

Don’t feel sorry for me, I want no pity
It’s the rage inside me that is building
Worry about that, I am colder than ice
Hotter than fire when I want to be
I would punch a punching bag to release
All the anger that is controlling me

Direct my energy into productive activity
To not go insane, to keep my sanity
There’s no joke, no negativity
I speak from experience, it’s my reality

All the pressure that is a weight on my shoulders
I am growing colder, as I grow older
My heart is a rock and not an organ
People used to call me noble, now they call me arrogant

But it’s just the way I have lived
I used to be a sincere man you would’ve ever met
Sometimes things don’t turn out the way we want them to
Some ideas just strike us out of the blue
Life has a way to make things happen when you have no clue

Not telling my story doesn’t mean I don’t have one
Just because I am bitter doesn’t mean I don’t want to have fun
It’s the way my mind is designed
Even in the hard times, I put a smile
Obstacles in life could be a blessing in disguise
I become the villain in your eyes
Days pass by after each night
I sit, think and wish for an amazing afterlife

Edge of the Bridge

I move along with time in despair
Wish I can be content, that’s my only prayer
An update is needed in my software
You tell me not to act like a robot,
But what if it’s just my only goal?
I don’t need counseling or someone who wants to console
‘Cause I stopped caring years ago
I don’t care, I have sold my soul
Or maybe someone came and stole
The heart that I once had made of gold,
It’s not in my possession
Life happened and it taught me a lesson

Never let your emotions come out
To the world ’cause it doesn’t care
You got to face the obstacles
Life isn’t fair
I look like a human from the outside just like you
But you don’t really know me, you haven’t walked in my shoes
I was the only one who pulled myself through
Now I look back at my life and try to review
There were so many opportunities that I blew
Not that I did not knew
But I was naive enough not to know their value

So now I stand at the edge of the bridge
Pondering the thought of jumping and be finished
Or maybe give it a chance and give my life a meaning
Find the joy in something and start living
The idea is a scary phenomenon
It’s a long journey though, soon I’ll be twenty one
I try to put a smile on your face
But I fail to write sentences that are articulate

I use a language that is straight
No beating around the bush, that’s insane
Get to the point and say what you want to say
A night is a night and a day is a day
No matter how I say it, it’ll remain the same
I just want to convey
I only know how to express only in this particular way
Plenty of events wait ahead
It’ll be no fun without a friend
Till then I’ll be killing my time
Find different ways to express myself and make them rhyme

Get off your high horse

I am multi talented but people do not believe me
I once tried three different arts and posted it on social media
Some said “You should go in a creative field, leave academia.”
How easy is it was for me to be labeled multi talented, see?

Few years ago, I was told I couldn’t do anything
Suddenly you post on social media and you’re the coolest thing
Come outside and meet me
You’ll realize there is nothing I do differently

I did not see myself as someone who could do many things
But few said otherwise and then it hit me
It’s not about only me, there are multiple people who can do multiple things

Get off your high horse and see the reality
You’re not the only one who is talented
Some can draw, some can do music and some can write
And then you have millions of people who can do all of them combined

Stop being a snowflake
You’re like everyone else, mate
It doesn’t make you special
Just having the raw ability won’t make you a legend

Got to go through pain and agony
Along the way, don’t expect any sympathy
This is your life and in your own hands
If you mess it up, neither will anyone care nor will they understand

You keep telling yourself that you’re the best
Have a special mind that no one ever had
There have been people who were better than you
You want it to be false, but it is true

Everybody wants to be famous and be artistic
It’s not always fun to be the target of critics
When they try to pull you down
They want to be the ones who want to boss you around

Everyone is a slave to something
There’s no escaping it
You want to think you are free
But you’re just one of the many fish in the sea

It’s easy to manipulate people and show what side you want to show
They’ll only notice what you want them to know
You are not better than everyone else
Life is complicated and the circumstances are too complex
Sit back, and enjoy the ride
There’s no place to run, no place to hide

In a bubble

I live in my own bubble
Avoid all troubles
I just want to lay back, have no struggles
No rush, no hustle
In my own world, I make the rules
Grow a fruit and eat it too
Don’t want any orders
Maybe I have antisocial disorder

Have this hatred for authority
They take advantage of seniority
I thought I would change once I turned twenty
It keeps getting stronger, to hate them is my duty
I try to think differently
But it’s the way I am, it’s just me
Next morning I will wake up and decide to change
It’s plain old routine, it’s the fault of my brain

It’s a pattern I am stuck into
Thoughts just strike me out of the blue
I am unable to express them coherently
It’s a testimony of my limited ability
Realizing it is a sign of maturity
I tell myself this, to make myself feel happy

I live in my own bubble
Not asking for any trouble
My fate is a jigsaw puzzle
That I cannot seem to solve
I try to find myself but keep getting lost
Writing worthless lines to keep me entertained
‘Cause I know with it, there’s nothing to gain

Terrible face


I made a mistake, I accept 

But all this time it seemed like a foreign concept

Never realised I had a terrible face

I don’t believe a single word that anyone says

Loathe myself, just killing time and spending days

I need to make a change but I will never be the same

I should held up my head high but I am so ashamed

I want to be alone but I also want fame

Some days I get so distracted that I even forget my own name

All I know is I’ll never be the same 

‘Cause I have a terrible face
I look so terrible 

Scared to look in the mirror

The dark circles, the acnes, dry skin

Oh my God! I have started to get a double chin

Maybe I committed a mistake or even worse a sin

That’s why I look horrible even with a grin

It’s a lost battle, man! I can’t win

I am just glad I at least don’t have a twin

Because I look like trash, I am dustbin

There are demons inside of me that lies within
They look at my terrible face and laugh

I could ramble on and on and write lengthy paragraphs

I look so terrible, man! I won’t even look at my own photograph

People make fun of me and never miss a chance 

Girls look away when I ask them to dance

Look so terrible that they won’t even take a glance

That’s why I am so scared to make any advance

I’ll never get an opportunity to experience romance

Man, I do have a terrible face

I wish it was drawn with a pencil so I could use an eraser to erase

So I wouldn’t write this in the first place.

Reluctant to change

I refuse to learn, I refuse to admit my mistakes
Bad things happen to everyone but there’s only so much pain you can take
My suffering is real, I am disturbed, it’s not fake
I am reluctant to change.

Maybe I have become the kind of person who is willing to simply accept his fate
But there’s a heavy weight on my chest that I can’t shake.

I want to change but I don’t put in the effort
Do I have a problem or am I just a lazy fuck up?
Swearing is not my cup of tea
Pardon me, I can’t think clearly.

All I know now is I am reluctant to change
Inside of me, I can feel a build up of rage
I am not sure what I’ll do at any stage
I don’t trust myself in the first place
So I know I won’t be breaking it anyway.
Even if I fall flat on my face
I will still be reluctant to change.

Possessed by a ghost
My mind is out of control
Not completely but almost
Breathe in and breathe out
Calm down and don’t shout
They try to reassure me but I still have a pool of doubts
I lay awake drowning in my own misery until I pass out.

I woke up in the evening
Having the same old feelings
Vividly remember my dreams
I can still hear all those screams
Which were piercing my ears as they were so loud
It was like hundreds of people gathered in a crowd.

Then I go and take a walk in the park
It doesn’t matter that it’s getting so dark
Dark resides in me
I’m no longer afraid of it
It’s a part of me and I embrace it
I walk towards a bench and I sit
This is comfortable and not strange
Guess this is why I am still so reluctant to change.

More than she needs me

Maybe I need her more than she needs me

Is it a coincidence or all this is meant to be?

I always wonder shall we talk ever again?

I expect her to come and heal my pain.

 

Late night talks we will cherish one day

If only I keep her in my life and not push her away

I crave her attention yet I don’t want her to stay

I put the words in her mouth that she doesn’t say.

 

I make mistakes and so does she

Feels as if she is cruel yet so lovely

I leave it on the destiny

It will happen if it’s meant to be.

 

I ponder over my life every day and night

I have goals that are always in my mind

She is the last thing I worry about

I won’t allow her to come, if she does I won’t let her out.

 

I regret I message her every day after I wake up

I promise to not do it again as I pour tea in my cup.

As the evening rolls in I can’t help myself

When emotions take over how does one help oneself?

 

Guess I’ll make this mistake again

Just rub more salt on my wounds to feel the pain.

Maybe I need her more than I imagined

Maybe she isn’t only a friend, she has become my passion.

 

I am obsessed with her

She is like a drug that makes reality looks blur.

Ecstasy takes over and I lose control

This night I can’t stop, I don’t want to be alone.

You and I

You are running at the speed of light
I am trudging like a tortoise.
You’ll reach greater heights,
I will enjoy my slow ride.

You are aiming to achieve more,
I am deceiving myself with everyday chores.
You look forward to new challenges,
While I prepare myself to wait for more damages.

You want to take huge strides,
I want to stay at the backside.
You want to be at the driver’s seat,
While I just look outside my window seat.

You’re not afraid of anything,
I try to hide away from everything.
You’re the one I wish to be,
I wonder if I’ll think the same when I turn twenty three.