Gun In The Drawer

I open my drawer, take out a gun
Think about shooting myself in the head, wouldn’t it be fun?
They say it’s an act of cowardice
But it’s a choice about how one dies
It’s an option, not for everyone I believe
Some people have no other option, they just want to leave
In my own home, I act like I am a thief
For some reason, I feel someone’s watching me
Guilty for pondering the thought of coming to an end
But what can I do? I am reaching a dead-end
I search for someone who can be a true friend
Who would actually care and not just pretend

With a grin on my face, I go to bed
“Let’s put this off til tomorrow”, I said
I’ll wake up in the morning, start a new day
I’ll get to open my eyes and see the sun rays
Sunshine will blossom and send a positive vibe
Only to let the night kick in later, finishing all the hype
It will get dark, I’ll see myself in a different light
With this thought I see myself in another world yet again
I am dreaming and this world feels like a better place

Eyes open, day is new, same old reality
After finishing work I am back in a room that is empty
I sit on a chair, put on some music
Listening to it everyday makes it no longer therapeutic
I don’t want to listen to it, rather have it muted
I get up, a tortured soul crying for help, I hate myself

Open the drawer, take out a gun
I no longer have the will to see the sun
Moon looks mesmerizing with its glimmering glow
The world is a quiet place, everything seems to be moving so slow
I put the gun on my forehead this time
This is probably going to be my last night

Rush flows through my veins
Eyes are watery, tears roll down like a rain
As I am about to pull the trigger
I stop to think and look at my fingers
They are trembling with fear
Just one move, and the end will be near
I think deeply and the thought lingers
I do realize I was failing to see the bigger picture

So I put the gun back where it belongs
What I was about to do was wrong
I am defeated, I beg for some mercy
My head spins and my vision goes blurry
I wake up to the birds singing outside
Kids playing in the park, riding on a slide
If I ever want a company, the true friend will stay with me
It will be there through thick and thin
Only the gun in my drawer can grant me my wish

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Lie to my face

You look me in the eyes
With a straight face
Without a shame
You will leave me one day without a trace.

Lie to me all the time
‘Cause of you I am losing my mind
You drive me insane
You’ve become the reason of all my pain.

Just say the truth once
Be blunt, be upfront
I’m your second choice
Just someone to kill the time.

Don’t play games with me
I am already hurt
Why do you have to play with my feelings?
I need time to recover, I need time to search for my life’s meaning.

You only care about yourself
That’s why you keep lying
When I call you out you start crying
Stop driving me crazy
Stop calling me daily
You are a liar
Stop feeding the fuel in fire.

You keep on lying
I keep on trusting
This is how I get repaid
If you were honest to me I would’ve stayed
But now I am going to go away
I won’t trust you again, I am afraid.

Bittersweet melancholy

Bittersweet melancholy comforts me

Like a blanket has been pulled over me

I lie down on bed in the hope of sleep
I toss and turn, breath in and out while I count to three.

I reminisce the past memories
Whether good or bad they may be
I visit back in time to make peace
And remember when I used to read under a tree.

Nostalgia is my old friend
A reminder of the long forgotten trends
When reading fiction was all I needed.

My imagination kept me alive
Gave me the hope to one day do a skydive
Thinking about it brought so much thrill
I still remember it and still get the chills.

As I wish what could have been turned out differently
I realise I have to just let it be
Wishful thinking and reality are not alike
My heart is broken and yet I say I’m fine.

Bittersweet melancholy takes over
Like a thirsty man needing water
It’s a part of me from which I can’t snap out
So I just stay silent and suppress my shout.

I’d change myself if I wanted to
But sometimes I wonder if that’s what I want to do
I keep moving and go with the flow
In the hopes one day I’ll shine and brightly glow.

Bittersweet melancholy comforts me
It is a known and familiar feel
I’ll give joy another shot in next life
Either I’ll have to recover or reborn.

So many questions

So many questions no answers

The weight of the troubles doesn’t transfer

Whenever I try make it right I make blunders
The ache in my heart strike me like a thunder

Waking up, I feel exhausted
I face these demons, they are traumatic
So scary that I am repeatedly haunted
There’s nothing like feeling unwanted

It’s my destiny that I hate
Can’t complain, they say it’s my fate
My head spins when I walk on the road
Legs tremble so I crawl on the floor

Shoulders are heavy now
I try to get up but I only go down
I see the sun and hope to see sunshine
I am in hell yet I say I am just fine

So many questions but no answers
I want to see a bouquet but I see dead flowers
I want to break free and scream out on top of a tower

This is not a game
Success doesn’t mean fame
My identity is my name
Why should I be afraid to be me? Why should there be any shame?

So many questions but no answers
I’ll ask them hundred times but to no avail
I’d want to succeed and not fail
Even if it means walking on hot flames

So many questions but no answers
Joy has vanished there’s only anger
I am an amateur but I want to be a master
That’s why I take shortcuts and like to cut to the chase faster

Now I know this is not the right way 
I’ll have to work night and day
There are questions and there will be answers
If only I rebuild after suffering this disaster

Need to be patient to remain sane
Take it as a boon and not a bane
It’s my story and I am the main character
Can’t back down, I’ve to fight like a wrestler.

I hide in my shell 
Because outside has become hell
People around me do wish me well
Life becomes harder when you have no friend.

First time(poem)

Oh I felt so good when I said Hi to you for the first time
You replied and I felt butterflies
As you shook my hand, on my face you could see a broad smile.
You were the light in my life, you became the sunshine.

Next night we walked on the sidewalk
Holding hands you talked in whispers
When we were sitting in front of the river
I put my coat around you as you shivered in this winter.

Then I dropped you at home
I told you I’ll miss you
It was like I met you for the first time, it felt new.
I waved good-bye and you hugged me out of the blue.

Affectionate Eyes

Your eyes glow like a shining star
They’re so beautiful, they heal my scars.
All the tragic moments of life
Turns out to be so nice.

I feel full of hope when you look at me
Wish I am the only person you’d want to see
That’s an unrealistic fantasy.

Your eyes are so affectionate
I love looking into them, I just can’t wait.
Wish I’d be lucky and we share our fate
But I know it’s only a wish, I am not the person you’ll want to date.

I’ll look in your eyes
Wish I could take away all your cries
I don’t want you to feel lonely
In case you need me, I am here for you only.

I live in a world where nothing makes sense
Where I am by myself with imaginary friends.
You’ll go backwards if you come with me
It’s a place where you get addicted and you can’t leave.

So, I vow to look in your eyes forever
I admire them so much, they make me feel better.
I am in love with those pitch black eyes and hair
Your eyes are amazing, I can’t help but stare.

Ache in Pain

I am so hurt by you
Even my pain has its own ache.
I miss you so much
Want to see you once again!
Mistakes done by you
Still I’ll take all the blame.
You’re sometimes as cold as ice
But your anger is like touching hot
flames.

I freeze when I see you
and burn when I don’t.
I don’t want to be jealous
But it’s not my faut, it’s yours.
You make me feel that way
I have so much to think
and nothing to say.