Immature Kid

A couple years back, an old man said that I was mature beyond my age
But if you ask a random teen girl, she would call me an idiot with an exhausted face
Doesn’t matter if I tried to stay fit, run a mile everyday, and beat everyone in a sprint race
Now I look like a guy whose hair are about to turn grey
Well, that’s what they say.
So guess, I’m an immature kid
Who doesn’t have control over his impulse
Someone who’ll shoot himself in the foot and eventually self destruct
That’s wrong on so many levels
You don’t know me that well if you think I am going to put myself in trouble
Got enough intelligence to leave before a situation gets too bad
Like a family gets abandoned by a deadbeat dad

An immature kid who talks maturely
Not even difficult to find, it is a rarity
Calling a saint a sinner is blasphemy
If I act rude to someone, that’s on me
I’ll accept my mistake and issue an apology
In this land, everyone does shady deeds
Some give a helping hand to someone who’s in need
I’ll give my both hands to grab you up when you’re down
But if you turn against me, I’ll throw you in water and won’t let you out till you drown

So, still one would think I’m an immature kid
Despite me being twenty one and having many more years to live
Just think about the capacity I have at the moment
After ten years, I probably will be even more solemn
And what if I find solace in being soul less?
Least, it makes me more self aware
Drives me through each day without giving a care
Helps in covering my emotions with thick layers
That’s why I don’t feel the need to have everyday prayers
Have had some rough moments, had my fair share
So if you still think it’s a lack of maturity
Then I can’t keep giving you security
I’ll let you dig deeper in your own insecurity

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Gun In The Drawer

I open my drawer, take out a gun
Think about shooting myself in the head, wouldn’t it be fun?
They say it’s an act of cowardice
But it’s a choice about how one dies
It’s an option, not for everyone I believe
Some people have no other option, they just want to leave
In my own home, I act like I am a thief
For some reason, I feel someone’s watching me
Guilty for pondering the thought of coming to an end
But what can I do? I am reaching a dead-end
I search for someone who can be a true friend
Who would actually care and not just pretend

With a grin on my face, I go to bed
“Let’s put this off til tomorrow”, I said
I’ll wake up in the morning, start a new day
I’ll get to open my eyes and see the sun rays
Sunshine will blossom and send a positive vibe
Only to let the night kick in later, finishing all the hype
It will get dark, I’ll see myself in a different light
With this thought I see myself in another world yet again
I am dreaming and this world feels like a better place

Eyes open, day is new, same old reality
After finishing work I am back in a room that is empty
I sit on a chair, put on some music
Listening to it everyday makes it no longer therapeutic
I don’t want to listen to it, rather have it muted
I get up, a tortured soul crying for help, I hate myself

Open the drawer, take out a gun
I no longer have the will to see the sun
Moon looks mesmerizing with its glimmering glow
The world is a quiet place, everything seems to be moving so slow
I put the gun on my forehead this time
This is probably going to be my last night

Rush flows through my veins
Eyes are watery, tears roll down like a rain
As I am about to pull the trigger
I stop to think and look at my fingers
They are trembling with fear
Just one move, and the end will be near
I think deeply and the thought lingers
I do realize I was failing to see the bigger picture

So I put the gun back where it belongs
What I was about to do was wrong
I am defeated, I beg for some mercy
My head spins and my vision goes blurry
I wake up to the birds singing outside
Kids playing in the park, riding on a slide
If I ever want a company, the true friend will stay with me
It will be there through thick and thin
Only the gun in my drawer can grant me my wish

Amazing Afterlife

Don’t feel sorry for me, I want no pity
It’s the rage inside me that is building
Worry about that, I am colder than ice
Hotter than fire when I want to be
I would punch a punching bag to release
All the anger that is controlling me

Direct my energy into productive activity
To not go insane, to keep my sanity
There’s no joke, no negativity
I speak from experience, it’s my reality

All the pressure that is a weight on my shoulders
I am growing colder, as I grow older
My heart is a rock and not an organ
People used to call me noble, now they call me arrogant

But it’s just the way I have lived
I used to be a sincere man you would’ve ever met
Sometimes things don’t turn out the way we want them to
Some ideas just strike us out of the blue
Life has a way to make things happen when you have no clue

Not telling my story doesn’t mean I don’t have one
Just because I am bitter doesn’t mean I don’t want to have fun
It’s the way my mind is designed
Even in the hard times, I put a smile
Obstacles in life could be a blessing in disguise
I become the villain in your eyes
Days pass by after each night
I sit, think and wish for an amazing afterlife