Immature Kid

A couple years back, an old man said that I was mature beyond my age
But if you ask a random teen girl, she would call me an idiot with an exhausted face
Doesn’t matter if I tried to stay fit, run a mile everyday, and beat everyone in a sprint race
Now I look like a guy whose hair are about to turn grey
Well, that’s what they say.
So guess, I’m an immature kid
Who doesn’t have control over his impulse
Someone who’ll shoot himself in the foot and eventually self destruct
That’s wrong on so many levels
You don’t know me that well if you think I am going to put myself in trouble
Got enough intelligence to leave before a situation gets too bad
Like a family gets abandoned by a deadbeat dad

An immature kid who talks maturely
Not even difficult to find, it is a rarity
Calling a saint a sinner is blasphemy
If I act rude to someone, that’s on me
I’ll accept my mistake and issue an apology
In this land, everyone does shady deeds
Some give a helping hand to someone who’s in need
I’ll give my both hands to grab you up when you’re down
But if you turn against me, I’ll throw you in water and won’t let you out till you drown

So, still one would think I’m an immature kid
Despite me being twenty one and having many more years to live
Just think about the capacity I have at the moment
After ten years, I probably will be even more solemn
And what if I find solace in being soul less?
Least, it makes me more self aware
Drives me through each day without giving a care
Helps in covering my emotions with thick layers
That’s why I don’t feel the need to have everyday prayers
Have had some rough moments, had my fair share
So if you still think it’s a lack of maturity
Then I can’t keep giving you security
I’ll let you dig deeper in your own insecurity

Advertisements

Gun In The Drawer

I open my drawer, take out a gun
Think about shooting myself in the head, wouldn’t it be fun?
They say it’s an act of cowardice
But it’s a choice about how one dies
It’s an option, not for everyone I believe
Some people have no other option, they just want to leave
In my own home, I act like I am a thief
For some reason, I feel someone’s watching me
Guilty for pondering the thought of coming to an end
But what can I do? I am reaching a dead-end
I search for someone who can be a true friend
Who would actually care and not just pretend

With a grin on my face, I go to bed
“Let’s put this off til tomorrow”, I said
I’ll wake up in the morning, start a new day
I’ll get to open my eyes and see the sun rays
Sunshine will blossom and send a positive vibe
Only to let the night kick in later, finishing all the hype
It will get dark, I’ll see myself in a different light
With this thought I see myself in another world yet again
I am dreaming and this world feels like a better place

Eyes open, day is new, same old reality
After finishing work I am back in a room that is empty
I sit on a chair, put on some music
Listening to it everyday makes it no longer therapeutic
I don’t want to listen to it, rather have it muted
I get up, a tortured soul crying for help, I hate myself

Open the drawer, take out a gun
I no longer have the will to see the sun
Moon looks mesmerizing with its glimmering glow
The world is a quiet place, everything seems to be moving so slow
I put the gun on my forehead this time
This is probably going to be my last night

Rush flows through my veins
Eyes are watery, tears roll down like a rain
As I am about to pull the trigger
I stop to think and look at my fingers
They are trembling with fear
Just one move, and the end will be near
I think deeply and the thought lingers
I do realize I was failing to see the bigger picture

So I put the gun back where it belongs
What I was about to do was wrong
I am defeated, I beg for some mercy
My head spins and my vision goes blurry
I wake up to the birds singing outside
Kids playing in the park, riding on a slide
If I ever want a company, the true friend will stay with me
It will be there through thick and thin
Only the gun in my drawer can grant me my wish

Amazing Afterlife

Don’t feel sorry for me, I want no pity
It’s the rage inside me that is building
Worry about that, I am colder than ice
Hotter than fire when I want to be
I would punch a punching bag to release
All the anger that is controlling me

Direct my energy into productive activity
To not go insane, to keep my sanity
There’s no joke, no negativity
I speak from experience, it’s my reality

All the pressure that is a weight on my shoulders
I am growing colder, as I grow older
My heart is a rock and not an organ
People used to call me noble, now they call me arrogant

But it’s just the way I have lived
I used to be a sincere man you would’ve ever met
Sometimes things don’t turn out the way we want them to
Some ideas just strike us out of the blue
Life has a way to make things happen when you have no clue

Not telling my story doesn’t mean I don’t have one
Just because I am bitter doesn’t mean I don’t want to have fun
It’s the way my mind is designed
Even in the hard times, I put a smile
Obstacles in life could be a blessing in disguise
I become the villain in your eyes
Days pass by after each night
I sit, think and wish for an amazing afterlife

Terrible face


I made a mistake, I accept 

But all this time it seemed like a foreign concept

Never realised I had a terrible face

I don’t believe a single word that anyone says

Loathe myself, just killing time and spending days

I need to make a change but I will never be the same

I should held up my head high but I am so ashamed

I want to be alone but I also want fame

Some days I get so distracted that I even forget my own name

All I know is I’ll never be the same 

‘Cause I have a terrible face
I look so terrible 

Scared to look in the mirror

The dark circles, the acnes, dry skin

Oh my God! I have started to get a double chin

Maybe I committed a mistake or even worse a sin

That’s why I look horrible even with a grin

It’s a lost battle, man! I can’t win

I am just glad I at least don’t have a twin

Because I look like trash, I am dustbin

There are demons inside of me that lies within
They look at my terrible face and laugh

I could ramble on and on and write lengthy paragraphs

I look so terrible, man! I won’t even look at my own photograph

People make fun of me and never miss a chance 

Girls look away when I ask them to dance

Look so terrible that they won’t even take a glance

That’s why I am so scared to make any advance

I’ll never get an opportunity to experience romance

Man, I do have a terrible face

I wish it was drawn with a pencil so I could use an eraser to erase

So I wouldn’t write this in the first place.

Reluctant to change

I refuse to learn, I refuse to admit my mistakes
Bad things happen to everyone but there’s only so much pain you can take
My suffering is real, I am disturbed, it’s not fake
I am reluctant to change.

Maybe I have become the kind of person who is willing to simply accept his fate
But there’s a heavy weight on my chest that I can’t shake.

I want to change but I don’t put in the effort
Do I have a problem or am I just a lazy fuck up?
Swearing is not my cup of tea
Pardon me, I can’t think clearly.

All I know now is I am reluctant to change
Inside of me, I can feel a build up of rage
I am not sure what I’ll do at any stage
I don’t trust myself in the first place
So I know I won’t be breaking it anyway.
Even if I fall flat on my face
I will still be reluctant to change.

Possessed by a ghost
My mind is out of control
Not completely but almost
Breathe in and breathe out
Calm down and don’t shout
They try to reassure me but I still have a pool of doubts
I lay awake drowning in my own misery until I pass out.

I woke up in the evening
Having the same old feelings
Vividly remember my dreams
I can still hear all those screams
Which were piercing my ears as they were so loud
It was like hundreds of people gathered in a crowd.

Then I go and take a walk in the park
It doesn’t matter that it’s getting so dark
Dark resides in me
I’m no longer afraid of it
It’s a part of me and I embrace it
I walk towards a bench and I sit
This is comfortable and not strange
Guess this is why I am still so reluctant to change.

More than she needs me

Maybe I need her more than she needs me

Is it a coincidence or all this is meant to be?

I always wonder shall we talk ever again?

I expect her to come and heal my pain.

 

Late night talks we will cherish one day

If only I keep her in my life and not push her away

I crave her attention yet I don’t want her to stay

I put the words in her mouth that she doesn’t say.

 

I make mistakes and so does she

Feels as if she is cruel yet so lovely

I leave it on the destiny

It will happen if it’s meant to be.

 

I ponder over my life every day and night

I have goals that are always in my mind

She is the last thing I worry about

I won’t allow her to come, if she does I won’t let her out.

 

I regret I message her every day after I wake up

I promise to not do it again as I pour tea in my cup.

As the evening rolls in I can’t help myself

When emotions take over how does one help oneself?

 

Guess I’ll make this mistake again

Just rub more salt on my wounds to feel the pain.

Maybe I need her more than I imagined

Maybe she isn’t only a friend, she has become my passion.

 

I am obsessed with her

She is like a drug that makes reality looks blur.

Ecstasy takes over and I lose control

This night I can’t stop, I don’t want to be alone.

The kid

I look back and see a kid

Disturbed with himself with the way he lived

Tried things, vowed he’ll never quit

Gathered the broken pieces and started to rebuild

 

After few years he looks in the mirror

One day, he sees a beard

Astonished! He thinks about the time he most feared

He’s growing up and the kid has disappeared.

 

Expectations get bigger each day

It’s time to turn the dreams into reality someday

He has to be careful with what he does today

As it will become history one day.

 

He still feels like he’s a kid

Same old innocence and same old grin.

Though he realizes he is older

He knows he cannot carry the heavy weight on his shoulder.

 

He is young and there’s lot to learn

Wisdom is not given, it is earned.

What will future bring?

He sighs as he thinks.

 

 

Ache in Pain

I am so hurt by you
Even my pain has its own ache.
I miss you so much
Want to see you once again!
Mistakes done by you
Still I’ll take all the blame.
You’re sometimes as cold as ice
But your anger is like touching hot
flames.

I freeze when I see you
and burn when I don’t.
I don’t want to be jealous
But it’s not my faut, it’s yours.
You make me feel that way
I have so much to think
and nothing to say.

Stop pretending

Stop pretending everything’s fine.

Others don’t give a damn neither a dime.

Life struggles are reality, not a sin or a crime.

It’s hard to keep it in,

When everything falls apart and nothing’s fine.

 

I see others having fun and enjoying.

I just wish all those good things and happiness were mine.

But I am left here, sitting in a small dark room crying.

 

Wipe the tears flowing from your eyes.

Happy endings are not true, those are lies.

Somebody save me, these inner demons will finish me and lead to my demise.

Even if it happens, I won’t be surprised.

I am used to it now, I won’t go down but I’ll rise.

The only option is to climb upwards.

There is nothing at the end if I go downwards.

 

Shoot for the moon and hit the stars,

Just to see how much can I travel.

Will I end up here or go too far?

 

It’s not about reaching the stars,

It’s all about healing those scars.

I suffered from reckless pain back then,

So I will not give up until I breathe or unless I am dead.

 

Stop pretending things were fine always.

There is nothing to be afraid of and you have already found solace.

You have a family and loads of friends,

nothing to lose and nothing to gain.

 

Things don’t work like that though,

Reality is real, even if you want it to be unreal, it sometimes seems surreal.

On the surface, nothing is dirty, everything is clear.

 

Hoping things will get better soon,

‘Cause I feel relaxed and content,

only once in a blue moon.

 

Trying to think outside the box.

Trying to be as clever as a fox.

Trying to climb up on the longest wall.

Trying to defy all the odds.

 

Hope is there as it has always been.

I wish to see those things which I have never seen.

Be as noble as I can get, as noble as no one has ever been.

 

Don’t have a debt under your belt.

It’s hard to repay and impossible to forget.

Lagging behind you is not an option.

Nagging you constantly is only the solution.

 

I imagine doing things that no one does.

Imagine thinking those things to whom all that never occurs.

Imagine saying things aloud but only find myself whisper.

This life is a struggle, man! It’s a roller coaster.

 

Don’t waste it on blame games.

No use calling each other lame names.

Focus on your main aim

Haters will have nothing to say but display shame.

That’s when you know you’re a winner.

You’re a real life hero and not a hero in fiction.

 

 

 

 

Green grass looking greener than ever…

Green grass looking greener than ever.
Brightness in the sky like a diamond is shining from heaven.
Smell of fresh air in the atmosphere; vanishes depression.
Cold wind ruffles my hair, I feel alive and I forget about my aggression.

I trudge toward a castle.
I hope it is not a mirage.
I feel awake and energetic, as if someone just gave me a massage.
Heavenly feeling covers me from head to toe.

Am I tired or is it something else?
I do not know.
If I am worried, I promise to myself I won’t let it show.
My throat dries, my muscles cries.
In the middle of a desert, I die.

The sensation is as good as drinking water on a hot sunny day.
I forget about all the worries I possessed once every day.
But I cannot forget my dear loved ones.
I feel relaxed as if I am sleeping on a cloud.
All the outrage fades away, I feel no temptation to shout.

I walk faster than before, no longer trudging to reach my goal.
I can see a light towards the end of that tunnel.
Am I finally entering into heaven?
I walk faster and the tunnel seems so near now.
Just then I walk past through it.
I see my loved ones standing there.

I reach them and open my mouth.
No sound comes out and I am thrown back to an old house.
It looks unpleasant and an eerie look about it frightens me to death.
But even though I am already dead, I am still scared of death.

Maybe I am not dead.
I open my eyes once again.
A twinkling light hits my eyes.
My family looks at me and cries.
I realize I am still alive.
I was so near to death yet I survived.
I am glad; I have another chance to live my life