Grand scheme

“I don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”

This realization will be termed depressing or nihilistic or cynical. However, this is the reality. As they say, life is neither fair nor unfair. It’s indifferent. Universe is indifferent. It’ll continue to move forward with or without you. Time doesn’t wait or stop for anyone.

Here I am reflecting on my short life I have lived so far. So much has already happened. Things have gone bad more than good yet here I am thinking about my future, writing this up and pondering over the reason of my existence.

I remain quiet. I talk less and listen more. The reason is not many people want to listen. Everyone wants to speak. So, I observe and try to listen more to understand the other person.

The grand scheme and the big picture, that’s what I   think about now. I go out every day and see thousands of people. There are literally billions of people in this world. I can’t help but think “I don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”

I am just one person. Out of all the billion people, I am one, with my own dreams, desires and goals. This realization is so liberating but at the same time leaves me with void. It’s the void of meaninglessness.

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Why do I exist?

It is a question I often ask myself. There are schools. There are colleges. There are jobs. There is money. There are many things but nothing gives us a reason to live.

You do school from K-12, then college and then you get a job so that you can live. Sounds like an ideal system in an ideal world. However, we don’t live in an ideal world, do we?  World is unfair, according to some. But is it really like that? Is the world actually unfair? I used to think it is. Many used to think it is and even now a lot of people think it actually is unfair. The older I get, the more I realize world is not unfair, it just is. Universe is indifferent.

World would still work whether we are here or not.  Whether I exist or don’t, the Earth is still going to rotate around the sun. There will still be a new day after this night and the cycle will continue.

I know this yet I am afraid. “Afraid of what?” I ask myself. Afraid of future, afraid of responsibilities, afraid of expectations, afraid of getting a job, afraid of trusting others, afraid of everything…afraid to live.

It is an endless cycle of trying to stop being so afraid of everything and just let it be.  The question that I often ask still remains and it will continue to remain as there are no rules, no guarantees and  no concrete answer  to this… Why do I exist?