More than she needs me

Maybe I need her more than she needs me

Is it a coincidence or all this is meant to be?

I always wonder shall we talk ever again?

I expect her to come and heal my pain.

 

Late night talks we will cherish one day

If only I keep her in my life and not push her away

I crave her attention yet I don’t want her to stay

I put the words in her mouth that she doesn’t say.

 

I make mistakes and so does she

Feels as if she is cruel yet so lovely

I leave it on the destiny

It will happen if it’s meant to be.

 

I ponder over my life every day and night

I have goals that are always in my mind

She is the last thing I worry about

I won’t allow her to come, if she does I won’t let her out.

 

I regret I message her every day after I wake up

I promise to not do it again as I pour tea in my cup.

As the evening rolls in I can’t help myself

When emotions take over how does one help oneself?

 

Guess I’ll make this mistake again

Just rub more salt on my wounds to feel the pain.

Maybe I need her more than I imagined

Maybe she isn’t only a friend, she has become my passion.

 

I am obsessed with her

She is like a drug that makes reality looks blur.

Ecstasy takes over and I lose control

This night I can’t stop, I don’t want to be alone.

Advertisements

So many questions

So many questions no answers

The weight of the troubles doesn’t transfer

Whenever I try make it right I make blunders
The ache in my heart strike me like a thunder

Waking up, I feel exhausted
I face these demons, they are traumatic
So scary that I am repeatedly haunted
There’s nothing like feeling unwanted

It’s my destiny that I hate
Can’t complain, they say it’s my fate
My head spins when I walk on the road
Legs tremble so I crawl on the floor

Shoulders are heavy now
I try to get up but I only go down
I see the sun and hope to see sunshine
I am in hell yet I say I am just fine

So many questions but no answers
I want to see a bouquet but I see dead flowers
I want to break free and scream out on top of a tower

This is not a game
Success doesn’t mean fame
My identity is my name
Why should I be afraid to be me? Why should there be any shame?

So many questions but no answers
I’ll ask them hundred times but to no avail
I’d want to succeed and not fail
Even if it means walking on hot flames

So many questions but no answers
Joy has vanished there’s only anger
I am an amateur but I want to be a master
That’s why I take shortcuts and like to cut to the chase faster

Now I know this is not the right way 
I’ll have to work night and day
There are questions and there will be answers
If only I rebuild after suffering this disaster

Need to be patient to remain sane
Take it as a boon and not a bane
It’s my story and I am the main character
Can’t back down, I’ve to fight like a wrestler.

I hide in my shell 
Because outside has become hell
People around me do wish me well
Life becomes harder when you have no friend.

Won’t fall for that ever again

You said it twice that you care
That it’s a strong bond that we share

False promises full of false hope

I’m sliding down on this slope.
There’s a fog in my brain

There is an endless pain

It won’t fade until I do 

Some wishes never come true.
It’s not real, it never was

The promises that felt real were all false

Life goes on and we have to move ahead

Love has the power to conquer the dread. 
I won’t fall for that ever again

Even if it means losing instead of gain

I’d rather embrace the solitude 

And change my current attitude.

First time(poem)

Oh I felt so good when I said Hi to you for the first time
You replied and I felt butterflies
As you shook my hand, on my face you could see a broad smile.
You were the light in my life, you became the sunshine.

Next night we walked on the sidewalk
Holding hands you talked in whispers
When we were sitting in front of the river
I put my coat around you as you shivered in this winter.

Then I dropped you at home
I told you I’ll miss you
It was like I met you for the first time, it felt new.
I waved good-bye and you hugged me out of the blue.

Affectionate Eyes

Your eyes glow like a shining star
They’re so beautiful, they heal my scars.
All the tragic moments of life
Turns out to be so nice.

I feel full of hope when you look at me
Wish I am the only person you’d want to see
That’s an unrealistic fantasy.

Your eyes are so affectionate
I love looking into them, I just can’t wait.
Wish I’d be lucky and we share our fate
But I know it’s only a wish, I am not the person you’ll want to date.

I’ll look in your eyes
Wish I could take away all your cries
I don’t want you to feel lonely
In case you need me, I am here for you only.

I live in a world where nothing makes sense
Where I am by myself with imaginary friends.
You’ll go backwards if you come with me
It’s a place where you get addicted and you can’t leave.

So, I vow to look in your eyes forever
I admire them so much, they make me feel better.
I am in love with those pitch black eyes and hair
Your eyes are amazing, I can’t help but stare.

The kid

I look back and see a kid

Disturbed with himself with the way he lived

Tried things, vowed he’ll never quit

Gathered the broken pieces and started to rebuild

 

After few years he looks in the mirror

One day, he sees a beard

Astonished! He thinks about the time he most feared

He’s growing up and the kid has disappeared.

 

Expectations get bigger each day

It’s time to turn the dreams into reality someday

He has to be careful with what he does today

As it will become history one day.

 

He still feels like he’s a kid

Same old innocence and same old grin.

Though he realizes he is older

He knows he cannot carry the heavy weight on his shoulder.

 

He is young and there’s lot to learn

Wisdom is not given, it is earned.

What will future bring?

He sighs as he thinks.

 

 

A voyage to the mountains

I was waiting for the trip to begin but a sudden feel of nervousness and excitement resided in me an evening before. How is it going to be? Will I have fun? Is it going to be okay? I wondered as I packed my stuff for a 5-day trip.

On the morning of 11th December 2016, I woke up early at around 4:00 AM to calm my nerves. It was a short tour but I was going to be out of my hometown after a long time. I was excited but nervous as well. I got  ready,  double  checked if I  had  packed  everything that I needed  and left home to get to my buddy’s house  from where me and  his  family were going to  depart for the  bus stop.

Once we were in the bus, I was just in the moment and was calm.  The adventure had begun and it was a 6-7 hour ride to the place where we were going. It was a village called “Dandi”.

blog1.png

It was a long, tiring day. We had dinner and while initially it was awkward for me to be at a family occasion where I was not invited, I started to shift my perspective on the situation after some amount of time. I thought  to myself that it  was a great time to be here  as  everyone seemed happy and I started to feel the  same  as they didn’t  hold back to share their happiness.

We were tired after such a long bus ride. I had a sound sleep that night.

blog3.png This place had an aura of peace. Away from  all the things back at home,  the trap I  was bounded in,  I  found  a  way  in  solace.

The real adventure of our trip began on December 12th, 2016. We woke up early to head to Rishikesh. The plan was to see Lakshmann and Ram Jhoola there.  It was amazing to be there. The view from the bridge was magnificent. Looking far away from the ground to sky was breathtaking. I was glad to be there.blog6.png

We  spent the entire  day  in Rishikesh.

December  14th, 2016, was a day to  be  at  Mussoorie. The bus ride  to  that place had many twists and turns. The ride left me feeling a  bit  nauseous for a while  but eventually, I managed to spend  the entire ride without much difficulty.  Once again, looking out of the window the  scenery in front of me  looked heavenly. I wanted  to stare and  stare and  stare ….

Our destination was  Gun  Hill. We had  the option  to go  by  trolly but we   decided  it’d be  quite unenthusiastic  for  our young body to take the  easy way out.  We  trekked to the   Gun Hill which  covered  a distance of  about 1 km from  the library  bus  stand. It doesn’t sound like a lot  of distance but the  way  was  steep and going upwards was a big challenge for us. With  a bit  of difficulty  and  pain in our  lower  back(guess we  are  getting old! Ha!) we managed to reach  the top. It  was a proud feeling that we did  it by  our hard work.IMG_0137.JPG

I had a very  good sleep  that night. I was glad  I  did this  trip. I was beginning  to  get trapped  in  my mind before I  came here and this trip helped me to break  that routine  of  thoughts.  It changed me in a good way and I felt a change of environment  had helped me to change my perspective on life a little bit  as well.

On 15th December,  we were supposed  to come back at home but  we decided to stay one  more day. It  was a  rest day for  us. I reflected on the  things we recently had done and it  was good to realize that me and my  friend  had traveled to Rishikesh and  Mussoorie all by  ourselves.

I felt our  bond also got a tad bit stronger as we got to know each other at a more human  level.  I didn’t  find much difference  between his family  and mine. I realized we  are different but  yet we have some  similarities.

We were back at home on December 16th,  2016. I  brought  many memories with me and the kindness and love the people in  Uttarakhand gave me was heart warming. I never felt away from home for any moment. It is a  place where I would like to come again one day. Here is  a short  poem I wrote while I was there:

Here I sit in a new place
Forgetting about the old days
not worrying about what anyone says
Discovering myself in new ways

Wandered in the mountains
Found new passions
Wonderful scenery stole my heart
Nature has created an amazing art.nooooooo.png

I would love to come back one day
To see its lovely face once again

I’ll slow down and walk at my own pace
As there is no rush and there’s no race.

Winter: Chilling vibes and longer nights!

Sitting near the window glancing outside watching the stillness of the trees and sensing the aura of the calm atmosphere seems so soothing. As I think about my past mistakes and does a review of the things that have happened so far, it brings a sense of excitement to think what more is still to come ahead.

It has been a roller coaster ride so far. There have been moments when I cried before sleeping, laughed over silly things, day  dreamed about things that may never  happen,  imagined things out of this  world and felt dejected when I couldn’t have what I  wanted. Just like anyone else, I have also experienced several ups and downs this year.

However, there is something about winters that connects with us on a spiritual level. Sure, it can get uncomfortable when it’s so cold as if you’re put into a freezer but the calmness during this time of the year feels like as if time has stopped for a while. You reflect on the past, think about future goals and enjoy in the cozy room thanking for having the things that you usually take for granted.

The days become shorter, the nights become longer and the life gets calmer. Every little thing becomes enjoyable and the hot food gets its due appreciation.

Winter is romantic. It’s the best time to get closer to someone you love. Walking in close proximity exploring the city with someone you love is a lovely way to get to know the person better.

The time of festival, New Year being around the corner and the holidays all adds to the calmness felt during this time of the year. The sunshine during the days looks even more beautiful and valuable as compared to summers.

In short, winter is poetic. Winter is calm. Winter is….. heavenly.

 

My queen

I keep on waiting for you to arrive

Your smile makes me feel alive.

Your eyes hide so many secrets

I want to know what’s hidden in there.

 

I never felt this way before

Until I saw you and met a beautiful soul

You’re a diamond among dull stones

I admire you so much,

You might never get to know.

 

Keep moving forward, the world is yours

I’ll stay here and remain indoors

All my troubles, I won’t allow to be seen

I will live like a slave but will make you my queen.

Look

I look for a friend in a stranger’s face
Search for the spark that has vanished away
Wait for someone to send me wishes
Close the gap and build some bridges

Love me or hate me, show some emotion
Even if it makes me feel vulnerable
Your presence should make me feel comfortable
Rather than make me feel miserable.

I wish to get back the trust I had in you
Urge to text you “I want to see you soon”
When I used to think the day I met you was a boon
But all I can do is sit in silence and watch the moon

Anger is filled inside me
Neither want to hear you nor want to see
I am not what I am I wanted to be
That’s why I laugh at my own stupidity.