Grand scheme

“I don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”

This realization will be termed depressing or nihilistic or cynical. However, this is the reality. As they say, life is neither fair nor unfair. It’s indifferent. Universe is indifferent. It’ll continue to move forward with or without you. Time doesn’t wait or stop for anyone.

Here I am reflecting on my short life I have lived so far. So much has already happened. Things have gone bad more than good yet here I am thinking about my future, writing this up and pondering over the reason of my existence.

I remain quiet. I talk less and listen more. The reason is not many people want to listen. Everyone wants to speak. So, I observe and try to listen more to understand the other person.

The grand scheme and the big picture, that’s what I   think about now. I go out every day and see thousands of people. There are literally billions of people in this world. I can’t help but think “I don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”

I am just one person. Out of all the billion people, I am one, with my own dreams, desires and goals. This realization is so liberating but at the same time leaves me with void. It’s the void of meaninglessness.

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My time will come

I think about writing but my mind stops me
The kid who once had vivid imagination is now a wannabe
The troubles and tragedies of life have shattered me completely
I still put on a smile and act carefree,

In my mind I know how deeply I am affected
I could’ve battled alone or so I believed
I am breaking down though and my aspirations keeps vanishing
My time will come, that’s what everyone tells me.

Got to express myself clearly
But the words can’t be found and my thoughts are blurry
I run in the evening to distract myself
To channel the aggression that is building inside me

How long will I ignore my demons, I don’t know.
But I promise you, I won’t let them show.
I feel as if I wish that cannot happen in reality, no?
During a hot summer day I want to see snow.

You tell me to calm down and relax
No matter how much I try, I keep holding my breath.
It’s something that is out of my control
All I can do is have patience and reach my goals.

Why do I exist?

It is a question I often ask myself. There are schools. There are colleges. There are jobs. There is money. There are many things but nothing gives us a reason to live.

You do school from K-12, then college and then you get a job so that you can live. Sounds like an ideal system in an ideal world. However, we don’t live in an ideal world, do we?  World is unfair, according to some. But is it really like that? Is the world actually unfair? I used to think it is. Many used to think it is and even now a lot of people think it actually is unfair. The older I get, the more I realize world is not unfair, it just is. Universe is indifferent.

World would still work whether we are here or not.  Whether I exist or don’t, the Earth is still going to rotate around the sun. There will still be a new day after this night and the cycle will continue.

I know this yet I am afraid. “Afraid of what?” I ask myself. Afraid of future, afraid of responsibilities, afraid of expectations, afraid of getting a job, afraid of trusting others, afraid of everything…afraid to live.

It is an endless cycle of trying to stop being so afraid of everything and just let it be.  The question that I often ask still remains and it will continue to remain as there are no rules, no guarantees and  no concrete answer  to this… Why do I exist?

Newly found crush

I write your name on the last page of notebook
I constantly stalk you on facebook
Seeing you out in public makes me blush
I guess you are my newly found crush.

You’re the one who can turn my life around
Your voice is soothing like it’s a nightingale’s sound.
You have a wonderful and admirable soul
You make me feel hot even when it’s cold.

We don’t talk

We don’t talk like we used to talk
I still think about you when I listen to a sad song.
Some things were right, some wrong.
You were too at fault, believe it or not.

When you were in trouble I was there.
Where are you when I needed you to be here?
Forgot about me too quickly,
I wanted to be with you but lost you so suddenly.

I put my trust in someone I shouldn’t have.
Spent time with you and had uncontrollable laughs.
Made a mistake and stayed too long
You’re the constant reminder I did everything wrong.

Got to be with you but lost some friends
Friendship was forever, this relationship had its end.
Forgot the value of worthy people in life
Painful memories are like a stab with knife.

I can sense a new day is around the corner
Days are shorter and nights are longer
Light gets dimmer and this room gets darker.
I no longer have the person who made me feel stronger.

You and I

You are running at the speed of light
I am trudging like a tortoise.
You’ll reach greater heights,
I will enjoy my slow ride.

You are aiming to achieve more,
I am deceiving myself with everyday chores.
You look forward to new challenges,
While I prepare myself to wait for more damages.

You want to take huge strides,
I want to stay at the backside.
You want to be at the driver’s seat,
While I just look outside my window seat.

You’re not afraid of anything,
I try to hide away from everything.
You’re the one I wish to be,
I wonder if I’ll think the same when I turn twenty three.

Rainy days

I still remember those rainy days,

When nights were better than those regular days.

Being alone never made me feel lonely.

I did have a friend and that was me; one and only.

 

Dusk seemed brighter and more peaceful than dawn.

I am still  here but those  moments have long gone.

All the right things now seem wrong.

Late at night, I  am  wandering in this empty lawn.

 

Walking underneath this starry night.

I wait for an unexpected miracle to strike.

Reality is not a fairy tale,

I keep walking as I wish to confront my fate.

 

Hope keeps us strong and alive.

Till the day comes when we face our  demise.

A sad reality looms over us and wait for arrival,

As we fight and struggle everyday for our survival.

You need to be happy before you plan your career

I have been pondering over the thought of having a career for a while now and after days of hard introspection I have come to a realization that a person needs to be happy and in a positive frame of mind before he or she can decide which career they really want to pursue.

It might sound very obvious but it isn’t as obvious as you’d like to believe. We often think about our likes and dislikes and think what we want to do  for  the rest of our  life but a lot of people  don’t realize that your career  doesn’t only mean a 9-5 job but  it is also something which  changes your life completely.

It demands you to take the fate of your life in your own hands and make adjustments in your lifestyle.

I have spent days, even years now, thinking about what I’d want to become but I am still quite far from the answer.  Although, I have noticed that, before even knowing what there is that needs to be done, I have to focus on how to be in a positive frame of mind so that I can think clearly about my life goals.

A career won’t only mean a well paying job but it will also lead to a positive life and you can’t live a positive life while having a negative frame of mind simultaneously.

So, today I have realized that I might be looking for the wrong things in life.  I am looking for my passion, my life goals and ambitions.

Maybe I need to plan how I am going to enjoy my life.  What gives me or you pure joy?  You’ll find what you want to become automatically if you start seeking peace, joy and pure happiness.

After all, we don’t live to work but work to live.

On an empty road

On an empty road at midnight
A boy walked alone wishing someone would say “Hi!”
Hug him and tell him not to cry
“I am here to be your friend, no worries and no good bye.”

Stay honest and loyal to him
He’ll be there for you when no one else will.
Deep down he knew he had a pure heart
Still people didn’t want to be with him and they torn him apart.

Suffering had become a norm to him
The pain was intense like he had recently hit the gym.
His future looked so dark and grim
He knew he had to hold on, keep going on and swim.

Then came a young beautiful lady, charming like a princess
He thought he had found his love, now he was fearless.
The only problem was that he had to let go of his shyness.
It was his trait so all his efforts went in vain.

The young lady did not return his love
He was left heart broken but knew he didn’t need her
Moving on was the only option left for him
But the pain was so intense
He found himself lingering on an empty road once again.

Love(poem)

I wake up in the morning
Just to see your face.
I love it when I catch you
Blushing as you gaze.
Your beauty brings me to life
I am enchanted and amazed.
Your presence is peaceful
And whenever I see you
I fall in love, all over again.