Reluctant to change

I refuse to learn, I refuse to admit my mistakes
Bad things happen to everyone but there’s only so much pain you can take
My suffering is real, I am disturbed, it’s not fake
I am reluctant to change.

Maybe I have become the kind of person who is willing to simply accept his fate
But there’s a heavy weight on my chest that I can’t shake.

I want to change but I don’t put in the effort
Do I have a problem or am I just a lazy fuck up?
Swearing is not my cup of tea
Pardon me, I can’t think clearly.

All I know now is I am reluctant to change
Inside of me, I can feel a build up of rage
I am not sure what I’ll do at any stage
I don’t trust myself in the first place
So I know I won’t be breaking it anyway.
Even if I fall flat on my face
I will still be reluctant to change.

Possessed by a ghost
My mind is out of control
Not completely but almost
Breathe in and breathe out
Calm down and don’t shout
They try to reassure me but I still have a pool of doubts
I lay awake drowning in my own misery until I pass out.

I woke up in the evening
Having the same old feelings
Vividly remember my dreams
I can still hear all those screams
Which were piercing my ears as they were so loud
It was like hundreds of people gathered in a crowd.

Then I go and take a walk in the park
It doesn’t matter that it’s getting so dark
Dark resides in me
I’m no longer afraid of it
It’s a part of me and I embrace it
I walk towards a bench and I sit
This is comfortable and not strange
Guess this is why I am still so reluctant to change.

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More than she needs me

Maybe I need her more than she needs me

Is it a coincidence or all this is meant to be?

I always wonder shall we talk ever again?

I expect her to come and heal my pain.

 

Late night talks we will cherish one day

If only I keep her in my life and not push her away

I crave her attention yet I don’t want her to stay

I put the words in her mouth that she doesn’t say.

 

I make mistakes and so does she

Feels as if she is cruel yet so lovely

I leave it on the destiny

It will happen if it’s meant to be.

 

I ponder over my life every day and night

I have goals that are always in my mind

She is the last thing I worry about

I won’t allow her to come, if she does I won’t let her out.

 

I regret I message her every day after I wake up

I promise to not do it again as I pour tea in my cup.

As the evening rolls in I can’t help myself

When emotions take over how does one help oneself?

 

Guess I’ll make this mistake again

Just rub more salt on my wounds to feel the pain.

Maybe I need her more than I imagined

Maybe she isn’t only a friend, she has become my passion.

 

I am obsessed with her

She is like a drug that makes reality looks blur.

Ecstasy takes over and I lose control

This night I can’t stop, I don’t want to be alone.

Bittersweet melancholy

Bittersweet melancholy comforts me

Like a blanket has been pulled over me

I lie down on bed in the hope of sleep
I toss and turn, breath in and out while I count to three.

I reminisce the past memories
Whether good or bad they may be
I visit back in time to make peace
And remember when I used to read under a tree.

Nostalgia is my old friend
A reminder of the long forgotten trends
When reading fiction was all I needed.

My imagination kept me alive
Gave me the hope to one day do a skydive
Thinking about it brought so much thrill
I still remember it and still get the chills.

As I wish what could have been turned out differently
I realise I have to just let it be
Wishful thinking and reality are not alike
My heart is broken and yet I say I’m fine.

Bittersweet melancholy takes over
Like a thirsty man needing water
It’s a part of me from which I can’t snap out
So I just stay silent and suppress my shout.

I’d change myself if I wanted to
But sometimes I wonder if that’s what I want to do
I keep moving and go with the flow
In the hopes one day I’ll shine and brightly glow.

Bittersweet melancholy comforts me
It is a known and familiar feel
I’ll give joy another shot in next life
Either I’ll have to recover or reborn.

So many questions

So many questions no answers

The weight of the troubles doesn’t transfer

Whenever I try make it right I make blunders
The ache in my heart strike me like a thunder

Waking up, I feel exhausted
I face these demons, they are traumatic
So scary that I am repeatedly haunted
There’s nothing like feeling unwanted

It’s my destiny that I hate
Can’t complain, they say it’s my fate
My head spins when I walk on the road
Legs tremble so I crawl on the floor

Shoulders are heavy now
I try to get up but I only go down
I see the sun and hope to see sunshine
I am in hell yet I say I am just fine

So many questions but no answers
I want to see a bouquet but I see dead flowers
I want to break free and scream out on top of a tower

This is not a game
Success doesn’t mean fame
My identity is my name
Why should I be afraid to be me? Why should there be any shame?

So many questions but no answers
I’ll ask them hundred times but to no avail
I’d want to succeed and not fail
Even if it means walking on hot flames

So many questions but no answers
Joy has vanished there’s only anger
I am an amateur but I want to be a master
That’s why I take shortcuts and like to cut to the chase faster

Now I know this is not the right way 
I’ll have to work night and day
There are questions and there will be answers
If only I rebuild after suffering this disaster

Need to be patient to remain sane
Take it as a boon and not a bane
It’s my story and I am the main character
Can’t back down, I’ve to fight like a wrestler.

I hide in my shell 
Because outside has become hell
People around me do wish me well
Life becomes harder when you have no friend.

Won’t fall for that ever again

You said it twice that you care
That it’s a strong bond that we share

False promises full of false hope

I’m sliding down on this slope.
There’s a fog in my brain

There is an endless pain

It won’t fade until I do 

Some wishes never come true.
It’s not real, it never was

The promises that felt real were all false

Life goes on and we have to move ahead

Love has the power to conquer the dread. 
I won’t fall for that ever again

Even if it means losing instead of gain

I’d rather embrace the solitude 

And change my current attitude.

What’s Your Purpose In Life

This guy has realized some things and I agree.

The Truth About Sexual Attraction

I’ve been talking a lot about the fact how life does not have a specific meaning, how we could literally do anything and get away with it from a certain point of view, seeing the big picture that is. This realisation can be in many ways really eye-opening for sure, but most importantly knowing this fact, tons of pressure created by our society will be lifted off from your shoulders. Since nothing really matters, why would we do anything? Since life has no meaning, there is no point in even trying to keep our society on float. There is no point in contributing to the cause of being human. Why won’t I just simply go on a trip of self-loathing and spoil myself in the biggest way humanly possible?

Great confusion can come from believing that life has no meaning. I’ve elaborated before on another fact that reality is subjective…

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Choice

“Every day is a new opportunity and every day we face plenty of choices without realizing their long term consequences.”

Ever think about it? I do. Although I am by no means brilliant or successful. I don’t have an IQ as high as Albert Einstein, I am clearly not great in sports (although I run fast and used to jump 5m in long jump, a sort of humble brag) and I still have a lot to learn.

I have made mistakes in the past and I have no hesitation to admit I’ll continue to do so. That is the epitome of being human, isn’t it?

So, the choice. Why does choice matter? It matters because it has consequences. Each and every choice you make everyday will have an effect on your life whether major or minor.

Wake up early or sleep a bit more? Play video games or study? Drink coffee or orange juice? Read a book or watch a TV series?

These might seem small and guess what? They’re actually small things. These small things make a big difference though. Every single drop of water is necessary to make up an ocean. Similarly, every choice has an impact on your life.

Once this realization hit you, your point of view shifts and you see things in a new light. Let me address why our choices so vital. People often say they don’t have the motivation to study. They don’t have the motivation to do this, to do that etc. But here is the secret. It’s not about motivation. Motivation comes and goes. For success, one needs to be disciplined.

How do you discipline yourself? By making small adjustments, small things, and small habits etc. This is why I earlier said small things make a big difference. It is not about that surge of renewed energy we call motivation that makes you successful in the long run. It’s the discipline.

Make small changes. Build small but effective hobbies. See the change in your lifestyle when you make small changes and slowly shift your point of view. The miracles of small but effective habits will assist you in the long run.

Remember, you make plenty of choices every day and every choice has consequences. It’s up to you to decide for yourself and analyze the situation properly. Only then you will be able to reflect on your life more carefully.

Grand scheme

“I don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”

This realization will be termed depressing or nihilistic or cynical. However, this is the reality. As they say, life is neither fair nor unfair. It’s indifferent. Universe is indifferent. It’ll continue to move forward with or without you. Time doesn’t wait or stop for anyone.

Here I am reflecting on my short life I have lived so far. So much has already happened. Things have gone bad more than good yet here I am thinking about my future, writing this up and pondering over the reason of my existence.

I remain quiet. I talk less and listen more. The reason is not many people want to listen. Everyone wants to speak. So, I observe and try to listen more to understand the other person.

The grand scheme and the big picture, that’s what I   think about now. I go out every day and see thousands of people. There are literally billions of people in this world. I can’t help but think “I don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”

I am just one person. Out of all the billion people, I am one, with my own dreams, desires and goals. This realization is so liberating but at the same time leaves me with void. It’s the void of meaninglessness.

First time(poem)

Oh I felt so good when I said Hi to you for the first time
You replied and I felt butterflies
As you shook my hand, on my face you could see a broad smile.
You were the light in my life, you became the sunshine.

Next night we walked on the sidewalk
Holding hands you talked in whispers
When we were sitting in front of the river
I put my coat around you as you shivered in this winter.

Then I dropped you at home
I told you I’ll miss you
It was like I met you for the first time, it felt new.
I waved good-bye and you hugged me out of the blue.